If communication is not working, then trying out processes with a neutral facilitator could be very helpful.
When people experience being heard, often they relax and open up to new ideas and possibilities.
When people experience not being heard, often they tighten up and resist new ideas and possibilities.
I have found that sometimes taking time outs from each other or the topic can be really helpful.
Usually communicating verbally is best for these processes
Interpersonal, usually done best verbally.
--- Venting
--- Reflective Listening
--- OSAT (one step at a time)
--- Questions to ask when doing meditation
--- Hearing No
--- Role Plays
--- Apology
--- Appreciation
Explanations:
----- Venting -----
These are general guidelines. You will have to figure out what works best for your group and situation.
Great preparation for Reflective Listening and OSAT
The person I am upset with is NOT in the room or within hearing during this process.
I need space to express myself without getting re-triggered or causing injury to the person I am are upset with.
The purpose is to release energy, so the person expressing can discover what is alive in himself/herself.
The overall process involves shifting from what is wrong, bad about the other person or situation to what is going on in me. What am I wanting to experience in my life ? In the beginning or at moments I may need to blame and accuse to release energy before I can do self exploration.
- ROLES:
Expresser – person expressing
Asker – person who asks Expresser questions
Listener – Being heard can be very healing. Listen without fixing, solving, helping. It is your caring presence that matters.
Facilitator – If more than 2 people are listening, then designating who is the Asker and who is the Listener is critical. This is to prevent the Expresser from getting overwhelmed with questions.
- Process:
Set a begin and end time.
Sit/stand in a circle
Everyone agrees to follow a set of guidelines for the process
Expressor and Asker agree on when to ask questions.
Speak in present tense. What do I feel, want, need, experience NOW as I remember what happened ?
-- Suggested questions for Asker to ask.
Expressor may need time to blame and accuse before open to these questions
Are you feeling x ?
Are you wanting x ?
Are you needing x ?
Are you experiencing x ?
Is it like X(analogy) ?
Questions usually less than 5 words, usually the fewer words the better. The goal is to be with the person experience, NOT figured it out.
-- Suggestions for when to ask Expressor questions:
Expressor is focused on the story details
Expressor is focused on what is wrong/bad with other person
Expressor is focused on what the other person should/must do
And sometimes asking questions are not helpful. This will vary from person to person.
Venting has something in common with fire. When they are directed and contained, they are very beneficial. Otherwise, they can burn down a house or a destroy relationship. And, it is very helpful to know when to stop. Sometimes people need to face personal issues one step at a time, not all at once.
I suggest, the more intensity, the more intention, structure and the more careful about choosing who to be present and who is not present. And, the more important the listeners are clear around what they can handle hearing in the moment and can leave if they can’t maintain their role.
There is an art to facilitating a venting session. I recommend to get training in approaches that focuses listening without the intent to help or fix or solve or react or comfort, etc. I call this shifting from doing to being.
----- REFLECTIVE LISTENING PROCESS -----
These are general guidelines. You will have to figure out what works best for your group and situation.
Both sides taking time to do self discovery, such as venting, before this process. That will increase the odds this process will work
Intention matters. Do both sides of the conflict want to find something that works for both ?
- ROLES:
Facilitator – guides the process
Expresser – person expressing
Reflector – person reflecting
Witnesses – having others around I trust is helpful for self control
- Process:
Expressor says a few sentences.
Reflector reflects back the essence.
Experessor says if experiences being heard or seen
If Expressor says experiences not being heard,
try again
end process
Another person gives a reflection, then reflector repeats that. This is a temporary fix if a particular person is not able to accurately reflect back. Hopefully this help will not be needed.
If expressor say I experience being heard
go again
enjoy your success, consider taking a break
people change roles
end process
- Further Information
The more intensity, the fewer words from Expresser before listener reflects.
The more intensity, the more likely a facilitator will be helpful.
The more intensity, the more helpful for all parties to take time to do Self Discovery, receive emotional support, before and after Reflective Listening.
The more intensity consider taking breaks for people to receive Empathy. Then, do the process again.
Usually, reflecting the essence of what person’s says is most helpful, often the essence is the feeling and need
The more people talk in terms of behavior/words, the more likely things will better..
If the Expresser and Listener are unable to hear each other, the facilitator can try reflecting back what the Expresser said. If Expresser says that is it, the facilitator asks the Listener to say what he/she/they said to the Expresser. This is a short term solution, but may provide critical support and help things move forward in a positive direction. Hopefully this leads to people being able to hear each other’s experience.
------ OSAT (One Step at a Time) -----
These are general guidelines. You will have to figure out what works best for your group and situation.
When the two people can’t communicate or have a constructive conversation.
The purpose is for two people in conflict to take small steps in communicating with each other.
This could very useful for intense situations and could begin with writing instead of meeting in person. How people are expressing and listening is critical. The intention for doing this is critical. Do both parties want something to works for both ?
Roles:
Expressor – person expressing
Listener – person receiving message
Facilitator – guides process
Emotional Support – provide empathy before and after receiving message
Process:
One person sends a message. This could be written or said in person. It is short, only a few sentences.
The other person listens
The two people separate and receive empathy separately.
People switch roles and process again, maybe later in the same day or another day
This is a bridge to reestablishing the ability to have a constructive conversation. Therefore there is no problem solving.
Both sides will need much empathy before the first exchange and after. Both sides will need coaching for how to say what they experienced without blaming and accusing the other person. This means using “I” language and talking about feelings and behaviors as much as possible.
I strongly suggest the facilitator get training in way to express yourself with the least blame or accusing language while remaining truthful.
With high intensity situations, emotional and physical safety has to be figured out and maintained.
The facilitator needs skills because there might not be much room for error in the beginning.
If the those in conflict reach the point they want to have a conversation, Reflective Listening could be the next step.
Do we do mediation ?
Inspired by Tom Bond, founder of New York Center for Nonviolent Communication
Do you want to resolve the situation with the other person(s) ?
Are you willing to use respectful language to the best of your ability ?
What solution do you prefer, right now ? Are you willing to let that go ?
Are you open to any solution that works for everyone (you and others) ?
Comments:
Sometimes, people do not want to solve the conflict. They want to end contact. They may want to live with the conflict because seeking a solution could make things worse.
Sometimes, people are too upset or see no value in using respectful language. I see respectful language as critical to a successful mediation.
If there goal is to get the other person to do a particular solution, this becomes manipulation or bullying. Mediation is not effective in such situations.
Do we do mediation ?
inspired by Miki Kashton on Youtube - “Conflict Hotline”
Does person have awareness of his/her experience ?
Does he/she/they have words to express his/her/their experience ?
Does he/she/they have curiosity about the other person ?
Comments:
A degree of self awareness is needed for a person to contribute to finding a solution.
Lacking respectful words to describe my experience, leave me two options. Talk nice until I blow up or use disrespectful language.
If I have no curiosity about the other person, I am in too much pain to hear them.
----- HEARING NO -----
These are general guidelines. You will have to figure out what works best for your group and situation.
The purpose is to practice how to keep the conversation going after hearing NO. Is a “NO” the end of a conversation ? Is “NO” a part of an ongoing conversation for discovering what will and will not work ?
Roles:
Expresser – person making a request
Role – pretends to be the person saying no, receives some coaching from Expressor on how to play the role
Process:
Expresser asks Role to do something. Role says, No. The Expresser asks what is going on for you. The Role plays their role.
Additional Info:
I have done this multiple times. I feel amazed at how people can role play another person he/she/they have never met. This leads me to wonder, just how similar and interconnected are we ?
Begin process by the Expresser saying you are X. Role person says I am X. This is to clarify that the person is in role. When done, the Expresser says you are X (person’s real name). The Role says I am X (his/her/their real name). This is clarify he/she/they is done playing that role.
What is your relationship to “NO” ? Is this the end of the conversation ? Is this part of an on going conversation for the purpose of discovering what will and will not work for everyone ?
What is he/she/they seeking to experience by saying no to the strategy I proposed ? What is the yes behind the no ?
----- ROLE PLAY ----
This is a way to prepare for a difficult conversation. A chance to try and fail in a safe way.
I was surprised how easily and quickly people can play a person they never met. I had the other person play my manager. After a few guidelines for the other person to follow. I quickly saw the person as my boss and reacted that way. It took a few failed attempts before succeeding in having a full conversation with my “boss”.
Follow the Hearing NO protocols
----- Apology -----
This is an idea for another way to approach apologies.
The purpose is to create connection and understanding, instead negatively judging and condemning myself.
Saying what I said or did, focus on my words/behaviors
How I wanted to contribute to the person’s well being but failed to do that in that moment
Maybe I want to include what I am feeling in the moment I am talking to the person
Then ask the person what is going on for him/her/them after hearing this.
This is inspired by Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
----- APPRECIATION -----
This is an idea for another way to approach appreciations.
The purpose is to create connection and understanding, instead positively judging.
This helps people know what they can do to enrich my life.
Saying what the other person said or did, focus on your words/behaviors
How I benefited from their actions
Maybe you want to include what you are feeling in the moment you are talking to the person
Then ask the person what is going on for him/her/them after hearing this.
This is inspired by Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
For those who are use to talking in terms good/bad, this can be difficult to hear. So, act with caution when first doing this.
----- Requests ----
Are you asking the person to get them to agree or do something ?
Are you asking to discover what works for him/her/they ? This can work well for conflict prevention and resolution.
The most specific in terms of time and place and with who and what actions, the easier it will be for the person to say yes or no.
Vagueness is a great way to create confusion and misunderstandings and conflict.
About planning:
Are you asking a person to make a promise to keep no matter what changes between now and then ?
Are you asking them to schedule something and let you know if something changes. So, we can make changes and or cancel ?