Empathy Practice Group
My hope is that as people develop empathy skills, they will use the phrasing and or silence that works for the situation.
The structure is a strategy for learning. I recommend following it until you understand how feelings and needs and judgments and observations relate to each other. Then, change or drop the structure to support your learning.
This works for people who already know each other and trust sharing personal details.
Outline of structure:
moment of silence
feelings go around
need games
translating judgments
5 minutes of empathy
check out
----- Silence -----
This is to pause and everyone to come to the moment, create the container.
----- feelings go around -----
use a single word to describe a sensation in your body
purpose:
- help people connect with his/her body
- come to the moment, be present
- share what I am experiencing
- hear what others are experiencing
Anyone can start this. One person says what I am feeling(right now), then the next person says what I am feeling (right now). Go clock wise or counter clock wise. After everyone has had a turn, go around again, doing this 5 times.
The use of single word for a feeling is help people focus on a feeling and avoid talking about thinking, believing etc.
What if me and other person do not agree on which words do and do not describe a feeling ?
Focus on curiosity and allow space for different experiences of the same word. A part of empathy is discovering which words are effective and not effective for each person. A quick way render the empathy practice group in-effective, is to debate whether word does or does not describe a feeling.
---- need games -----
purpose is distinguish the difference between needs and strategies
needs are life energies that all humans have
needs are what we have in common as human beings
strategy is a person, place, thing or action, a way of experiencing needs
----- Guess Needs -----
Before saying a strategy out loud, he/she silently chooses a need that is met by that strategy. The other members guess which need he/she silently chose.
I recommend a person silently choose a need. If not, this is another option. Before person says a strategy out loud, he/she says I have not chosen a need. The other members guess what needs are met. I strongly suggest having a limit for number of guesses or time limit, such as up to 1 minute. This is to keep the group focused on learning, skill development. This is a time to focus on distinguishing needs and strategies, not for general empathy.
The one who chose a need has 3 options for reply:
Yes,
Yes, and
No or does not fit
“Yes” means I am complete, either that is the word I chose silently or I have had enough guesses
“yes, and” means that need was met, not the particular word I silently guessed, please continue guessing
“no” or “does not fit” means that does not work for me
The brief responses are to keep the group focused on guessing and not go off into a discussion. If those 3 short responses do not work for the group, choose responses that do work.
Important to choose a strategy that is based on what I do, not what I don't. Connect with a person's feelings and needs by hearing what he/she did is much easier. A focus on what not to do, leaves too much vagueness around what was done or what to do.
Example. I did not go to the store. Did I stayed in my room ? Did I went to the park ? Did I talked on the phone ?
All behavior is an attempt to meet a need, asking someone to “not do” is asking him/her to not meet a need, some say to stop living. What do you want the person to do ? If you are not clear about what you want him/her to do, why do you expect the other to be clear about that.
The games continues until person, who put out strategy, says I am complete or people stop guessing.
What if me and other person do not agree on which words do and do not describe a need ?
Focus on curiosity and allow space for different experiences of the same word. A part of empathy is discovering which words are effective and not effective for each person. A quick way render the empathy practice group in-effective, is to debate whether word does or does not describe a need.
The ability to use a single word for a particular need can increase clarity, therefore improve communication.
----- Share possible Strategies -----
One person choose a need.
Each person says how I have or might meet that need that is particular to him/her.
This not a time for advice. It is not a time to recommend how you think another person can meet that need. Giving advice stops empathy.
The more specific about time, place, people, the better. The more I discover your particular ways or uniqueness, the less I see you as a group member, a category, the more I see you as an individual human, which opens the door to human connection.
When people share strategies in general terms, something many people do, this moves people to concepts, to the head. This interrupts empathy.
The need is friendship, examples of general, not helpful for empathy.
I visit friends.
People visit friends.
I go to parties.
I hang out with my friends.
The need is friendship, examples of particular, uniqueness, helpful for empathy.
I visited my friend Charles, yesterday 3:00pm.
I went to Silver Lake with Sue, yesterday afternoon.
If people are uncomfortable sharing specific ways I meet a need, the particular or unique way I meet needs, I doubt this group will be an effective way to learn nvc empathy. For nvc concepts, there are books. For empathy skill practice, this involves people sharing, opening up to some degree, discovering each others uniqueness.
The length of a strategy is 2 sentences or less. If a person says more, ask him or her to summarize.
Reasons to summarize
- provides clarity and prevents story telling
- change to highlight person, place, thing, action
- can be helpful for doing nvc requests, apologies and appreciations.
- multiple sentences at once can overwhelming, blocking understanding
If you and another person disagree on what is and is not a strategy, focus on hearing where what each person is experiencing. The goal is not to agree. The goal is to hear what the other person is experiencing.
translate judgments
purposes:
recognize where I am, honor that
switch from judging / interpretation to focus on behavior
connecting with feelings and needs in myself and when ready, the other
Process:
step 1: write a judgment about another person, then write a few feelings and needs that come up in me as I read the statement. The judgment can be negative or positive.
step 2: write an observation, then write a few feelings and need that come up in me as I read the statement
if I can't find an observation, I am likely in pain, use the same or write another judgments about same situation/moment to explore my feelings and needs. One way I know I am ready for step 2 is when I find the observation.
Step 3: guess what that the other person might have been feeling and needing at that moment
If have no curiosity about his/her feelings and needs, I am likely in pain, continue discovering my feelings and needs thru judgments and or observations about the same situation/moment. One way I now I am ready for step 3 is I have curiosity about the other.
comments:
This is about shifting myself to connect with the feelings and needs in me, first. As I connect with the feelings and needs in me, I open to myself to having curiosity about the other person's feeling and needs. The more connected to the feelings and needs in me, the better my life becomes and the more likely I can hear the other person and able to work things out.
The goal is not to complete all 3 steps. It is to notice where I am and be there. Each step will take the time it takes, which could be minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years.
Step 1 and 2 are what I am feeling and what needs come up as I write/read the statement.
Step 3 is at the time of the event.
A subtle and critical aspect of empathy is being in the moment. This mean distinguishing between remembering what I am feeling / needs and what I am experiencing now. Failure to make this distinction will likely render empathy useless or not very effective.
Remembering a feeling is a memory, takes me out of empathy and to the head. Experiencing a feeling/need is in the now, takes me to empathy, to the heart, present. Empathy happens in the now.
a judgment is
what should/shouldn't a person, example - He should not yell
what kind of person is he/she, example – He is an idiot.
what is good/bad about the person, examples - He is a bad person.
Observation is describing something with as little evaluation, interpretation, judgment as possible. It is what the person said or did, what a camera catches, what a neutral news reporter would write.
Observation is critical for doing requests, apologies and appreciations.
Benefits of observations:
- Accuracy of information. An example is “He is an idiot”. Am I referring to what the person is wearing ? Am I referring to what the person said ? “He is so awesome”. Am I referring to what the person said to Tom or to Sally or both ?
- Clarifying the difference between my judgment of a person's behavior/word and what the actual behavior/words were. The focus on behavior and words helps us see each other's shared humanness Judgments shift our awareness to concepts, moving us away from our shared humanness
- Constructive conversation, more likely to stay on topic, instead of react to judgments
- Clarifying the difference between what something is and my interpretation, a focus on interpretations creates space for multiple view points.
E-Prime language. E-Prime is the English language without the verb “to be”. Helps explore question of talking in terms of judgment versus observation is
Order of steps 1, 2, 3 Usually, I follow the steps in order. Occasionally, I may be in a place to start with the observation or with curiosity about the other, first. Do the steps in the order that works best for you. Which ever order you do the steps in, I recommend doing all 3 steps so you can see the situation from all 3 view points – judgment, observation and other.
Sometimes, a person may have multiple judgments connected around the same observation. I recommend doing steps 1 – 3 for each judgment, using the same observation with each judgment. This is a way to explore and discover.
A person can judge a situation, instead of a person. The first 2 steps (judgment, observation) are about my feelings/needs in the moment I am writing them down. For the observation, choose the actions or words of any individual in the group that is connected to the judgment. For the 3rd step pick the person you chose for the observation to guess what he/she was feeling and needing in that moment. The particular person you choose is not important, that you choose a person is. Choosing an individual opens to door to discovering what those, who are involved in the organization, and you have in common as human beings, needs, life.
A person can do a self judgment. The challenging aspect and critical distinction is time. Step 1 and 2 is now, as you read the statement. The 3rd step is back at the moment, what were you feeling and needing back at that moment. I recommend initially practicing with judging others, much easier to notice the difference between now and then.
If doing self-judgments leads to more pain than self connection, stop doing self judgments. The purpose is for self connection, not self beating.
I recommend to begin developing your skill by judging someone else. The first two steps are in the moment I am writing. The 3rd step is going back to that moment. What do I guess the other person was feeling and needing at that moment ? Remember, all actions are an attempt (not always successful or what I like, want) to meet needs.
5 minute empathy
One person talks. The others will hold the view of feelings and needs. While the person talks, others make guesses, ask questions.
The key to empathy is having curiosity, dropping accuracy in guess / question.
I say guess because I am not in the other person's body to feel his/her body sensations, feelings. I am not in his/her mind to hear the thoughts, impressions occurring in his/her mind.
I say question because a question opens space, creates space person to check in with himself/herself around what is and is not working for him/her at the moment.
The phrasing I suggest is to say “feeling x ?” or “needing y ?” This strategy is to prevent drifting into conversation and concepts. This strategy is to help focus on feelings and needs.
For each person to decide himself/herself. Consider having a word limit for guesses/questions, such as 4 words or less. This strategy is to prevent doing typical non-empathy things. Also, it is to challenge habits. After giving empathy as you have for years, a workshop or a few one hour sessions is not going to change you habits. This challenges your empathy habits, unless you have been giving empathy in 4 words or less. And it provides a simple way for everyone to evaluate if guess/question matches what the person receiving empathy requested. Counting words is simple and most likely not controversial. This prevents getting into debating what is empathy or a feeling or a need.
The empathy guess is a question, based on curiosity. Accuracy and being right, blocks this empathy.
The guess/question is in present tense because empathy is in the now. The use of past tense or future tense in feeling / need guesses can easily interrupt empathy by people going to the head, focusing on memory and thinking.
In groups, there is a danger of empathy mugging, too many guesses for the receiver to take in. Here are some options to deal with that. No one may make an empathy guess for 2 or more breaths after a person makes a guess. This is to give time for the speaker to take in the guess, check out what does and does not work for him/her. Another option for groups, especially if there are more than 5 people, only 2 people are permitted to make guesses out loud. The remaining members makes guesses silently. The primary role of a person giving empathy is his/her presence. So, if your presence is focused on speaker's feelings/needs, you may not say a word out loud to effectively give empathy.
The specific length of time per person is not critical, having a begin and end time is critical. This is for choosing to see the world thru nvc empathy. Also, it is for managing group time. One thing to consider about length of time is skill level of group. When first beginning, 5 minutes is usually long enough. As people develop their skills, they will be able to hold feeling/need consciousness longer.
check out,
do a feelings go around, 2 times around the circle
This is to intentionally end this process and hear where each person is as the process ends.
The area where I have seen people most challenged:
in need games, saying a strategy - people new to the group, often said strategies in general terms and sometimes found getting specific about how I met that need was very challenging. I believe this was a challenge because often people are use to talking about concepts, theories, not revealing personal info. The U.S. culture is far more head focused than heart focused.
In translating judgment, using a single word for feeling or need – people new to the group, often expressed feelings/needs in a sentence, I asked them to rephrase that in one word. This helped the person focus, otherwise, often the person and group would not be clear about what was feeling/need. Sometimes, the group helped the person find the single word that worked for him/her at that moment thru guessing/asking.
In translating judgment, summarizing strategy to a sentence – people new to the group, often used multiple sentences, told a story and initially found summarizing to one sentence very challenging. Often the group made suggestions, by one person making a guess and asking if that worked for the person. This helped everyone get clarity.
In translating judgment, occasionally people did not agree if x was an observation – once we realized there was disagreement, each person said what he/she thought, then we moved on, there was no debating, this was an opportunity to discover each person's view
in translating judgment, lack of clarity around who's feeling and needs to guess – people new to the group, often find the translating judgment challenging, overwhelming and took a few times before they understood the process. One way this confusing shows up is not sure when I do write my feelings and needs, when do I write the other person's feelings/needs
in 5 minute empathy, person doing non-empathy, giving advice, fixing, consoling, talking about self, debating, etc. - The number of word in a guess/question was the easiest way to deal with this. It is almost impossible to do non-empathy in 4 words or less plus provides a simply way to evaluate guess/question fits.
Final thoughts:
My goal is not everyone will do empathy by speaking in any particular way.
My hope is that as people develop empathy skills, they will use the phrasing and or silence that works for that situation.
Role Plays – As group develops skill, people can prepare to have difficult conversations using nvc. One person plays the role of x person. I attempt to deal with situation thru nvc. If it falls apart, no problem. I can stop the role play and get some empathy. Then, I can try again.