Ideas for consideration

Whether you agree or disagree
Whether you like them or not

May these ideas open up conversations, so people can better understand each other.

- Intention
- What I say is as important as how I say it
- Truth and Compassion
- Fight
- Difference between intention and impact
- Difference between intended and heard message
- Trigger versus cause
- Stepping out of agree / disagree
- When I am one of the parties in conflict,
- Self Full

Explanations:

--- Intention

Are proposal about trying to get someone to do something ?
Are proposals about seeking to discover what works ?
Curiosity helps people become open to creativity, multiple possibilities. Much more likely a constructive conversation can occur. When people realize there is agreement, the group can switch to decision making. With the option to return to curiosity if the proposal doesn’t pass.
Only focusing on making a decision, often leads to two possibilities, yes or no. This increases odds of power struggles and fights.

If the intention of the individuals is to care for everyone (myself and others), this greatly increases odds that the issue can be resolved peacefully over the long, even if they are some bumps along the way.

A positive intention is critical for any mediation process to have a chance. Doing things to create and maintain good will is critical for resolving future conflict.

--- What I say is as important as how I say it.

If I say things in a way people can’t hear it, the message is not received. If I say what people can hear, but that is not what is going on for me, then the issues that need to be dealt with can’t be dealt with.

--- Truth and Compassion together, strengthen each other.

Truth is needed to reveal the issues to be dealt with

Compassion is needed to maintain and strengthen relationship so issues can be worked out

Truth without compassion can be tyranny.

Compassion without truth is powerless, in-effective, leads to blow ups.

--- Fight

Two or more people expressing while no one is hearing and or understanding the other person’s message

An hour expressing with people not experiencing being heard is very destructive to maintaining relationships and ability to share.

A five minute conversation in which people experience being heard is helpful for moving towards a solution.

--- Difference between intention and impact

What I intend and what the other person experiences are not always the same thing.

An example: My intention for holding the door open was to help the person exit. The impact was creating more difficulty. Because of where I stood while holding the door open, I was partially blocking the exit. The impact was I stopped the person from being able to pass thru the doorway.

--- Difference between intended and heard message

intended message is what I want you to hear

heard message is what you actually hear

These are different things.

--- Trigger versus cause

What appears to be the cause, may actually be revealing a deeper issue.

An example is if a on/off handle on a water pipe breaks. If the cause is a broken handle, then replacing the handle solves the problem. If the cause is too much water pressure, replacing the handle will lead to another handle breaking. The broken handle is the trigger, letting you know there is another problem to be solved. When the water pressure is problem is fixed, the handle will stop breaking.

--- Stepping out of agree / disagree

This means holding space for multiple experiences and view points of the same moment.

This is shifting from what is true / real what did each individual experience.

---- When I am one of the parties in conflict, I can easily and quickly loose all my communication skills. Or I have a stake in the outcome that blocks my ability to hear the other person. Or, the other person can’t trust me. Therefore, having a neutral 3rd party to mediate the conflict can be really helpful for me.

--- Self Full

Hearing and Considering what I and others are experiencing

The below is on a scale from low to high and easily varies moment to moment. Because no one expresses or hears or expressing perfectly. Human communication is full of imperfections.

If I can’t hear myself or the other person. I am missing critical information for helping to figure out what to do next.

When I am in pain, my ability to hear others can go to zero. Self care is critical for being able to hear others.

If I can’t tell others what is going on for me, they might guess accurately what I am feeling based on body language. But they are missing information because they can’t experience my physical body like I can and or hear the thoughts in my head.