Ideas

- Intention

- What I say is as important as what I say

- Truth and Compassion

- Fight

- Difference between intention and impact
- Difference between intended and heard message
- Trigger versus cause
- When I am one of the parties in conflict,
- When I am not clear about what is going in me
- When I am not clear about what is going in me
- When I am not clear about what I is going on for the other person

Explanations:
--- intention

A positive intention is needed for any process to have a chance. Doing things to create and maintain good will is critical for resolving future conflict.

If the intention is to care for everyone (myself and others), this greatly increases odds that the issue can be resolved peacefully over the long, even if they are some bumps along the way.

--- What I say is as important as how I say it.

If I say things in a way people can’t hear it, the message is not received. If I say what people can hear, but that is not what is going on for me, then the issues that need to be dealt with can’t be dealt with.

--- Truth and Compassion together, strengthen each other.

Truth is needed to reveal the issues to be dealt with

Compassion is needed to maintain and strengthen relationship so issues can be worked out

Truth without compassion can be tyranny.

Compassion without truth is powerless, in-effective, leads to blow ups.

--- Fight

Two or more people expressing while no one is hearing and or understanding the other person’s message

An hour expressing with people not experiencing being heard is very destructive to maintaining relationships and ability to share.

A five minute conversation in which people experience being heard is helpful for moving towards a solution.

--- Difference between intention and impact

What I intend and what the other person experiences are not always the same thing.

An example: My intention for holding the door open was to help the person exit. The impact was creating more difficulty. Because of where I stood while holding the door open, I was partially blocking the exit. The impact was I stopped the person from being able to pass thru the doorway.

--- Difference between intended and heard message

intended message is what I want you to hear

heard message is what you actually hear

These are different things.

--- Trigger versus cause

What appears to be the cause, may actually be revealing a deeper issue.

An example is if a on/off handle on a water pipe breaks. If the cause is a broken handle, then replacing the handle solves the problem. If the cause is too much water pressure, replacing the handle will lead to another handle breaking. The broken handle is the trigger, letting you know there is another problem to be solved. When the water pressure is problem is fixed, the handle will stop breaking.

---- When I am one of the parties in conflict, I can easily and quickly loose all my communication skills. Or I have a stake in the outcome that blocks my ability to hear the other person. Or, the other person can’t trust me. Therefore, having a neutral 3rd party to mediate the conflict can be really helpful for me.

--- When I am not clear about what is going in me

Sometimes, I get so focused on listening and caring for others that I forget to do the same for me. This could be called, Self-less, I loose connection with self.

If I do not know what is going on for me, how can address what my concerns are ?

The more clear about what works and doesn’t work for me, the more effectively I can decide what to do next.

This helps me shift from reacting to choosing what to do.

The more upset I become in a moment, the more helpful to talk with someone about the situation , who is not apart of the situation or the moment.

Do some meditation or self awareness process separate from the person and or situation that you are upset about.

--- I am not clear about what I is going on for the other person

Sometimes, I get so focused on listening and caring for myself that I forget to do the same for others. This could be called, Selfish, I loose connection with others.

If I don’t know what is going on for the other person, how can propose something to address his/her/their concerns ?

Do some meditation or self awareness process to improve your ability to hear the other person. Do the process separate from the person and or situation that you are upset about.